Introspection of The Lotus Manjè, Vol. 14

A few days ago, I was talking with my father about the path I had for my future. I had, for better or worse, made choices since I was a child that shaped how I saw the world and the people in it. I’ve never had to converse with my dad once; even when I made the choice to go into the army, I simply did what I wanted and thought nothing of it.

During our talk, it had become clear to me that I still needed some personal work to be done in terms of family issues. As mentioned in an earlier Introspection, I had parted ways from my mother and left it at that. The choices she made are ones that she will have to live with. But what I didn’t consider in all these years was that there was someone else who needed a sit down to reconcile with the pain from all those years ago.

For the past decade, I had a lot of time to be angry. Luckily I was able to curb that emotion enough to do what I had to, and go home each day. Those days feel like a fog now that I think about it, but my interactions with certain people in the military showed me what I could become, which worked out for the better. After returning to my family I still had some anger, but I was able to focus it to a fine point, long enough to get through the greater half of my time in college and see through the majority of my financial and business goals I had set for myself.

But I still felt like I had a fog in my head, but I wasn’t sure what was needed to fix it. At least until the talk with my father. We didn’t talk about it, but in my head it had become obvious that I had been harboring some guilt for my role that my mother had made for me shortly after my parent’s divorce. I will not go into detail on this period of my life, but it will be the first AND last This wasn’t something that could be remedied by anyone else but me.

Later that night, I went to my room and got in a position to meditate, with an express goal. Once I was done, the fog that surrounded my head had finally cleared after all this time. It was a hell of a feeling. Since then I have felt much lighter and more of a true sense of calm rather than on edge. I can better focus on the content I am learning and the books I am reading. All this over fifteen minutes of meditation. How about that?

With this development, I am able to stick tighter to my schedule, and am looking forward to writing more blog posts, whether it be for someone to read or for personal catharsis.


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