Introspection of The Lotus Manjè, Vol. 8

Keeping Things In House

In the last Introspection, I talked about my mother and where I stand with her. As you can guess, it’s not a topic I like to talk about, and brings out convictions in me that others would shun me for. Even still, I stand by them because I value my peace of mind above all else, and will crush anyone to attempts to threaten it.

This includes people who think that I am a weak person, when in fact I believe that I am strong for being unwilling to be mired by the antics of my mother. And for the people who think that I am evil, understand that I was who I am now well before the falling out. It has taken me years now to realize that walking away was the best thing I could have done. It is unfortunate that others cannot understand that as well. Not many black men can say that they left the arms of their dysfunctional mother at the age of sixteen. To this day, I still have difficulty explaining the situation to friends and family, and they insist that the problem is me.

A common retort I expect to hear in response may be that I am “hurt,” or some other bullshit shaming tactic that has been run to death. Who knows.

As far as further questions go, I intend to have those answered in my Introspections. The true reason I write these is to avoid the repeated inquiries that I may have with friends, family, and others. I am resolved to cease explaining myself and my past to people who don’t like to hear the answers. I grow tired of being a broken record. And besides, that means that someone will read and assess instead of hearing and blocking things out.

As a person sits and comtemplates how I am wrong in every way, shape and form, I will stand up and keep walking.


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