Introspection of The Lotus Manjè, Vol. 1

Fear – And Acting In Spite of It

The Fear

In all honesty, I hate school.

Taking a test takes the most out of me, and I often betray my intuition by choosing an answer that seems right, later regretting my choice when I realize that I should have trusted my gut. I hate that I do this, because in any other situations I will act without much hesitation. Many times I wonder if I really want to be in college, or if I am fearful of the college system itself in some form or another (for example: how the mindsets people develop in college is meant for the individual to be a “working bee,” and not do much more than that). Another fear I have of college is the fact that it is a breeding ground for liberalism, something that I reject every time I see it. If I didn’t have certain perks for going to college along with a definitive purpose, I wouldn’t even be there.

As a black male who leans toward conservative views a, I find it hard to talk to other black people on certain issues. That is largely in part to my upbringing and how I’m unable to relate to the “black experience” that others accuse me of not having, and also in how often I see dysfunction and my unwillingness to partake in it. This has put me at odds with many people in the last few years, feeling like a misfit everywhere I go.

The Spite

But in spite of all these fears, I still go to college and sit in a classroom full of people who may feel put off by my attitude or indifference, and have been able to find friends and acquaintances. Even though I have some strong views on many things, I am still able to talk to other black people, especially black men, who won’t get emotional about the things I say and we will still be friends afterwards. Unfortunately, I have been unable to find the same in a black woman, but I’ll chalk that up to the location that I am in (this is wishful thinking, but in reality I know better).

I have come a long way since my time in high school. I have done things that make me wonder if it was really me that did it, and very few things that I regret even doing. Not many people at my age (as of writing this, 24) can say that. A huge majority of it was I had to deal with the cards that were handed to me at a young age. I am still somewhat hesitant in some aspects, but in spite of it all I will still endeavor to overcome the fear.


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